Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Quotation

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
Cesare Pavese (1908-1950)



This is my feeble yet noteworthy attempt to begin writing again.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Confucius (551-479 BC)

Consider this step 1. Let's hope I'm on the right journey. It would suck to travel, plod, walk a thousand miles (or 2,400,000 million steps) to realize that I'm in the wrong place.

2.2 feet (average woman's walking stride)
5,280 feet in a mile
5,280/2.2 = 2,400 steps in a mile
2,400 steps x 1,000 miles = 2,400,000 steps per 1,000 miles

Be all you can be,
CLG

Monday, August 24, 2009

Communication

Wow! It's been a whole month! At the behest of a couple of you, and me feeling like a slacker, I'm posting a new blog entry.

Summer's a runaway bride. And Fall, her scorned lover, realizes the truth of his fate is sealed. Damn! 2009 is expiring! This is my attempt at being poetic. Rest assured, it stops here.

So, this is what I've been doing/what's happened this summer (in no particular order).
  1. I think I sprained/pulled/tore my right calf muscle (Achilles tendon?). The nurse practitioner I saw last Friday advised that I ice the injury twice a day and use a moist hot compress on it on twice a day. She also prescribed a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug that I take twice a day. She doesn't think I tore my Achilles. My physical therapist friend said that I should NOT use a hot compress. Rather, I should remember RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression (Ace bandage) and Elevate). I don't trust what the nurse practitioner said so I made an appointment with an orthopedist for Monday, 8/31. Don't worry, for those of you I'm having lunch with, I'll still make my lunch appointment.
  2. I'm not as young as I used to be, but thankfully, I'm not as old as I'm going to get.
  3. I have a meeting with the Executive Director of a nonprofit organization in LA this Friday, 8/28. This is the consulting job I've been trying to get. We'll see if they'll want to retain my services.
  4. Had great interviews at the dental company; I think they liked me. I never know because the recruiter is a POOR communicator; It's been over a week since she's contacted me. But she did call me today to give me feedback on the interviews. I returned her phone call, but haven't heard back from her.
  5. The California budget has affected the community colleges, forcing them to cut thousands of classes. Last week, two Business Administration department chairs at Riverside Community College called me to let me know that they don't have space for another part-time faculty instructor. But one department chair did ask me to email my resume to him. Here's hoping...
  6. I've eaten an inordinate amount of ice cream and frozen treats: McDonald's hot fudge sundaes with nuts and ice cream cones; Dairy Queen blizzards; Cold Stone's various creations; Golden Spoon's twisty frozen yogurt with chocolate chips (and nuts sometimes); all types of flavored popsicles; Yogurtland (or similar type establishments); Wendy's Twisted Frosties (I usually go vanilla with 1/2 M&M's and 1/2 Oreo, but the bitchy lady at the Wendy's drive-thru refused to make one for me a few weeks ago. I had practically been going there all summer with no incident. She threw her ugly attitude at me through the loudspeaker, "We can't make them that way!" So all the times I've special ordered and received them from your establishment was just my imagination?! After I protested a few times, she cut me off. I was so pissed that I almost parked my car, stormed in the restaurant and asked to speak to the manager. But then I realized that my ice cream habits were out of control. Instead I sulked, drove off defeated, went to Dairy Queen and ordered a blizzard to nurse my bruised ego and heal my rejection).
  7. Vanilla Oreo Twisted Frosty below; is it that hard to mix a 1/2 scoop of M&M's & a 1/2 scoop of Oreos in vanilla ice cream?!
  8. I've travelled quite a bit this summer: Boston, Palm Springs, Arizona, and I'll probably be going to Texas in a couple of weeks.
  9. While in Arizona, my friend's dad hit on me and made inappropriate comments toward me. He's 65+. Ewwww! What's worse is that the birthday card that he gave his own daughter (my friend) had inappropriate sexual content, not something a dad should be giving his daughter. Double ewwwwww!!! On the upside, we had cherry and grape birthday jello shots.
  10. Summer books I've read or am currently reading: The Shack (about 25+ pages left), Let Your Life Speak (3 pages left), Curious Incident of the Dog in the NIght-Time (cute, entertaining, odd book about a boy with Autism; it's written from the boy's perspective. If you want to borrow it, let me know), Getting Things Done (3 chapters into the book...the irony!), Velvet Elvis (halfway through my second reading of it), Angela's Ashes (watching the movie inspired me to read this book; I found the book way too depressing so I've stopped. Perhaps I'll pick it back up again. Don't know?), The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on God, America and World Affairs (Madeleine Albright's book; I've only started the first few pages), A New Earth (sporadic excerpts here and there), Wisdom of our Fathers (Tim Russert book, which is just bathroom reading), The Time Traveler's Wife (I've read the first 100 pages), Redeeming Love (a Christian novel; it's a love story based on the biblical story of Hosea who marries a prostitute); Midnight Sun (Stephanie Meyer's incomplete 5th book in the Twilight saga), various magazines from high-minded ones such as the Economist and Newsweek to mindless entertaining ones such as People, Vogue, Glamour and US.
  11. My parents remodeled their kitchen, powder bath and master bath. I haven't seen the renovations because I haven't talked to them in a while. It's so strange and sad that they rarely ever call me. I'm running an experiment to see how long it'll take for them to call me. It's been almost 6 weeks. Crazy, huh?! If I had kids, I can't imagine not talking to them for that long.
  12. I've completed day 1 of a 3-day workshop called "Selling With Intention." A friend of mine hooked me up with the sales trainer, who said that I could do some flexible, part-time sales with her company or another company that she'd pair me with after completing the workshop. So far I like it. I asked and answered many thought-provoking questions and exposed some limiting beliefs and perceptions I had about myself. I really like the sales trainer. She's cool, and I want us to be friends one day.
  13. I've participated in a couple of charity poker events as well as charity mixers. I also donated a brand new Dell computer to a start-up nonprofit organization that needs help. I enjoy doing this kind of stuff.
  14. I haven't launched any new romances; I've just thwarted very stupid advances from men of all ages! So nothing to report on this front. I'm still counting on you, my readers and friends, to work on helping me find someone.
  15. I like the new show Drop Dead Diva; my guilty pleasure: Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.
  16. I desperately need a haircut and color. My roots have grown deep!
  17. I'm going to see Paolo Nutini in concert at the Wiltern on 9/11 and Jason Mraz at the Hollywood Bowl on 10/10. Yay! I saw Kelly Clarkson on 7/25 (see previous post "Sensation.")
That's a snapshot of my summer. I've been enjoying my time as well as exploring (sometimes agonizing over) new directions. I'm also feeling a little lonely because I miss all the people that I don't get to see on a regular basis, which is all of you. I wish I could shrink you all and put you in my pocket or purse and bring you with me everywhere. That would be fun having miniature friends, until of course I accidentally squished you or dropped you in a sink, toilet, glass full of liquid or on piping hot food. This entry is starting to go in the wrong direction, so I'm signing off.

Until next time...xoxo!
CLG

Friday, July 24, 2009

Sensation


Behind These Hazel Eyes (from acoustic set), Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly,

Your concert was UH-MAY-ZING last night!!! I couldn't get enough of the high-energy music, exhilarating dance party, and lighting extravaganza. You sang your face off girl! Wish I could sing like you. As it is, I'm banned from singing forever. Don't ask. I rebelled last night and sang my lungs out, rather I screamed your lyrics because it was so loud at the Pacific Ampitheatre. Besides, what are my friends going to do? They can't monitor my singing habits all the time. I've proven that because it seems my Food Monitor(s) and Volume Control Monitor(s) have been sorely slacking. But I'm convinced that you can't whisper either. It's just a hunch.

Though I may have never met you, and I most likely never will unless I stalk you, I consider you a Texan sister. BTW, that was a funny sign you read from someone in the audience, "KELLY, I STALK YOU!" Don't worry, that wasn't me. Last night was the first time I saw you live. I wanted to catch your show a couple of years ago during your My December tour in Irvine, but your concert was cancelled. I was so bummed.

You know what I like about you? You're warm, personable and genuine. You sing with a smile, except for the sad songs, and you wave back to people while you're singing. For a split second, I thought you waved to me, but from where I was sitting, you appeared 2 inches tall and there were too many arms in the air all around me that I don't think you could distinguish my arm from the others. It was also dark. If the lights were on, then I'm sure you would've seen me flailing my arm at you. Which reminds me...I definitely need to work out.

Thanks for sharing a slice of your life and entertaining me. Some of the stories you shared with us were very cute and very sad. That's what's captivating about you. You're open and vulnerable. Even though you admitted that you were a sweaty hot mess throughout the night and that you busted your lip on the mic while rocking out to Whyyawannabringmedown, you laughed and kept the show going, bloody lip, drenched in sweat and all. I'm sure people have told you to lose weight, but you're fine just the way you are. In fact you look great! I'm pretty sure that most size 0, 2, or 4 girls would not be able to endure a whole performance like you did; you're obviously in good shape. I'm not sure if you had a fan or a wind machine on stage, but I loved when your hair back blew back as you were singing. It could've just been the wind. Nevertheless, you were gorgeous!

Sorry you had a sucky childhood, which spurned you to write Because of You when you were 16 years old just so you could cope with and have an outlet for your pain. So sad.

Because of you
I never stray to far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you, I am afraid

At least the song has made you lots of money, so you can find a good therapist. You also seem to have a strong faith in God. So instead of writing songs like Walk Away with Kara DioGuardi, you'll be writing some mushy, gushy, ooey, gooey, I-have-a-toothache, sugary, sweet, sappy songs because you're deliriously in love.

I know your album just released in March, so I don't know when you'll be releasing another one. But I'm excited for it. I'll see you again soon, I hope.

Have a great tour!

CLG

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Education

I'm wondering... How did my phone interview really go on Monday? I talked to the Director of Marketing for about 30 minutes, the amount of time the recruiter said he would be speaking to me. He called me about 5 minutes late. I felt we had a good rapport, our conversation flowed back and forth, I answered his questions well and with enthusiasm, and he was eager and direct in responding to my questions. The recruiter told me to call her when I finished the phone screen. I left a voicemail because she didn't pick up, and also sent her a quick email. For a woman who's been hounding me since she first talked to me 3 weeks ago about this job prospect...nothing. Silence. So now I'm rewinding and replaying the short conversation in my head that I had with the Director of Marketing. Was I too enthusiastic? I don't think so, that's just the way I am. Did he understand what I meant by when I answered his question about what's important to me in a company? I said, "Leadership, the organizational structure, autonomy in my position..." He asked me to clarify what I meant by "organizational structure." So I did. Then he distilled my answer, "So what you mean by organizational structure is communication." I affirmed but then added a few more comments to explain further what I meant by organizational structure. But the day after the interview, I had the perfect answer to his question. Of course I did! Interviewing is like dating!

If the recruiter calls or emails and gives me the thanks-but-no-thanks spiel, I'm going to tell her I was never interested anyway. It was a pity interview! It's funny how rejection triggers insecurity. Even if you're just checking things out, unsure of the next steps, but well aware of the very high or low levels of attraction that you feel to someone or something, it's interesting how your mind compensates, categorizes, rationalizes. Right now I feel like I'm the Bachelorette that didn't get a rose and is sitting in the limo after the rose ceremony, sighing and staring directly at the camera, "They don't know what they're missing out on. I'm smart, funny, I can kick ass as the Global Product Manager! Besides, I never really wanted the job in the first place. Whatever!" But the true reality of my personal reality show is that perhaps the interview process is still going on, maybe the recruiter hasn't talked to the Director of Marketing yet to get his impressions on me, and/or there are lots of people she has to call back and hasn't gotten to me yet. The list goes on. In the meantime, I'll have to simply be patient and not assume that I'm out of the running yet. Though I don't necessarily know if I want the job, I at least want the option of taking or leaving the job if it's offered to me.

A friend of mine asked me a really good question the other day when I told him I wasn't too interested in the position but I'm willing to move forward and see what happens. He asked, "What if they offered you $300,000 to do the job?" I'm not an idiot. I'd do the job and go on fantastic vacations! I just need to progress in the process so I can see what's behind the curtain, and think about if I want what's behind it or to trade it for what's behind curtain #2. I can't remember the game show, but I recall when people traded great prizes to see what was behind curtain #2 or #3. Sometimes their risk was rewarded with an even better, more expensive prize. Other times, contestants won the live billy goats chomping on hay.

I've also submitted 3 on-line applications to teach at a community college as a part-time faculty instructor: Business Administration, Marketing and Management. I'm applying to two more positions: Speech Communications and Journalism. I have to call the dean or head of the department and express my interest. That's how my friend got her teaching position. She said my application goes into this black box along with other applications, so I have to be proactive. Teaching would be a good transitional, interim gig. Don't you think?

I don't know how many more steps I have to take to cross this bridge that I'm on, which seems infinitely long. However once I get across, turn around and examine the bridge, I'll probably realize that it wasn't as long and as treacherous as I thought it was when I started. Or not.

CLG

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Organization


When I arrived at my parents' house yesterday to help them pack, I saw ten stuffed garbage bags sitting on their front step in a messy semi-circle, patiently, quietly waiting in the suffocating heat for the donation truck to pick them up. In one of the bags, my plate sat on its edge with its face uncomfortably smashed on the rear of another plate. Not much room for movement since there were other sundries in the bag along with it. But my brother stuck his big hand through the top hole of the bag and fished out my beloved plate.

I told you I'd take a picture of it. So here's the famous plate I spoke of in my previous blog posting, Expectation. I remember making this plate for my parents for Christmas. I was a 3rd grader at St. Thomas the Apostle school. I hated my teacher. She wrote my name on the board so many times, made me stand in the corner a lot, and even had the nerve to call a parent-teacher meeting just so she could tell my mom how obnoxious I was. Whatever! You were an unhappy woman who didn't know how to teach or to inspire someone like me. Shame on you!

What you see on the Christmas tree is not a yellow banana. My little brother asked me that stupid question yesterday. Duh...it's supposed to be tinsel, a gold garland winding around the tree. I had colored outside the lines of the thin garland that I had originally drawn, so to fix it, I widened the lines and tried coloring within those new lines. The same process continued 2 or 3 more times, hence the really big, fat, non-S-shaped, is-that-a-banana-on-your-tree-or-are-you-really-happy-it's-Christmas looking thing. Who cares? The point is my mom loved and used the plate for 28 years. Now, the plate is leaving home and going on a wild adventure. Bittersweet.

My brother, such a tattle-tale. He told on my mom. He said, "Sis, I found a bottle of relish that had the date 1991 on it. We moved to California in 1993, so that means the relish made its way here from Texas." Really mom? Almost 20-year-old relish?! That was just the beginning. My brother also found a big box on a bottom cabinet filled with yellow, rubber latex gloves, the ones used for cleaning and washing dishes. He told me there were a thousand pairs, meaning there were two thousand individual gloves total. He was exaggerating; I looked. There were only 50 pairs...75 max. Another mystery find was a 9" round, red Christmas tin that was sealed in a large Ziploc plastic bag. When I shook the tin, it rattled. I was afraid to open it, but my mom calmed me down and said it was probably one of her secret chocolate stashes. Turns out, they were gingersnap cookies. From what decade though?

My brother and I developed "the look." It's the one where he enlarged his eyes while staring into my eyes. Whenever he gave me "the look," I ran to my post and remained on high alert. He would covertly pass me something like rolled up Seabiscuit movie posters or large plastic cups emblazoned with fast food logos. And my mission: to throw as much crap in the trash as possible. This was the only strategy that we had created that actually worked. Initially we tried just piling trash on the floor for my mom to gather up and toss. Inevitably, 1 out of every 3 items in the pile that I earmarked to go in the trash, my mom would sneak back into my box when I wasn't looking. Operation "The Look" didn't work flawlessly, however, because sometimes I would catch my mom dumpster diving in the heaps we had already thrown away. Not a pretty site.

I haven't mentioned my dad yet. After all, he asked me to come over and help out in the first place. I pictured all 4 of us packing and moving shit all day. Nope. It was the 3 of us, my mom, my brother and I, packing, lifting and moving for about 4 hours until my dad came home mid-afternoon. Instead of joining the packing party, he played a round of golf at his fancy Orange County golf club. And I don't mean to resurrect a catchphrase from Grey's Anatomy, but SERIOUSLY?! WTF?! After my dad showered, he actually did come down and help. He disappeared into his office, then reappeared with a cardboard box that he had assembled and taped at the bottom, and gave us clear instructions, "Don't write on this box so we can re-use it to send stuff..." I nodded dismissively so he'd leave and get out of my face. I was too tired to be enraged, but not too tired to be pissed off at him. That was the extent of his help.

After a couple more hours, we finished packing everything that was in the cabinets and in furniture that had drawers and shelves. The other remaining items were on surfaces, e.g. jars on the kitchen countertop, knick-knacks on the coffee table, a small pile of books on a wall ledge, etc. My parents...I mean, my mom won't have difficulty moving those few items by Monday.

The 3 of us lounged on the living room couches, resting our weary bodies, satisfied at our accomplishment. Then I heard the refrigerator door open and close. My dad walked into the living room with a bottle of beer in his right hand, looked at my mom, and asked, "Where's the bottle opener?" My mom responded to him, but I couldn't hear what she said through the clamor of the annoyed thoughts shouting in my head. He must've found it because he walked back into the living room and took a swig of his beer, which must've been especially refreshing after playing a round of golf on a hot summer day. Nonchalantly, he asked my mom another question, "Where are the shrimp chips?" My dad never drinks his beer without peanuts, chips or whatever snack you eat with beer. There were at least 40+ boxes of crap strewn in different rooms all over the house. Again my mom answered my dad, and again the cacophony of the angry voices prevented me from hearing what she said. Next thing I saw was my dad walking down the stairs, bag of shrimp chips in his left hand and a beer in his right.

I felt like a day-laborer he had hired, dirty, sweaty and tired after a hard day's work. Eventually, the 4 of us did spend some time together. We all mowed down some sushi at dinner: Salmon Skin Hand Roll, Rainbow Roll, Baked Scallop Dynamite Roll, Ono. Delish!

I drove home thinking about the day's events, my family's dynamic, and my resume. I had to revise it for the recruiter. Our phone interview left a good impression, and she presented me to her client as a candidate for the Global Product Manager position. The client said they want to move forward in the screening process, but the hiring manager who still needs to review my credentials is out of town until next Monday. If hired, I'd be in charge of product development and marketing strategy for the oral hygiene category. Not very sexy or exciting. During lunch, I asked my friend if proceeding with the interview process is like going on a date with someone you're not attracted to and will never be interested in. It is and it isn't. Then she told me a story about a guy from college who played Nintendo all the time and who would ask her out every Friday for weeks and weeks until she finally gave in. Obviously she wasn't interested and never went out with him again after that. Since I don't have to think about this opportunity right now, I won't.

Instead, I'll watch So You Think You Can Dance. Those dancers inspire me because they're doing what they love, they're good at it, and they're having fun. That kind of fulfillment has always been my dream. And I want it to come true, to be my reality.

CLG

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Expectation

My parents expect me at their house tomorrow morning to help them pack. On a Wednesday...right in the middle of a workweek. Instead of selling their house and buying a home near the water and/or on a golf course as they've originally planned, my parents decided to remodel their kitchen and master bathroom as well as upgrade the downstairs flooring. The message my dad left on my voicemail last night: "Hon, I'd like to know your availability this week. Mom and I need your help packing because the contractors are coming next Monday." Translation: "Hon, you need to come over, help us pack and move things around in the house. Since you have no job, you should have the time to come over and help us out. Also, in the event you never find a job, can't sustain yourself any longer and have to move back in with mom and me, your help and kind gesture toward us will be heavily considered in our decision-making process."

There's no way in hell that I'm letting my little brother get away scot-free. He's going to drive his ass up from Carlsbad and pack the plastic plates decorated with silly Christmas drawings that we made at school in the '80s as presents for our parents. My dad expects him too, even though he didn't mention my brother in the voicemail. His insinuation: "You'd better get your brother here also. That boy owes me. I've been supporting him while he gets a stable footing in the commercial real estate industry, which isn't paying him enough to survive." It's true. My brother called me a few months ago, sitting in the dark, and asked me, his unemployed sister, to loan him some money so he could get his electricity turned back on.

Thankfully, I have a few prospects looming on the horizon. My neighbor connected me with her cousin who's the Executive Director of a nonprofit organization in Los Angeles that builds projects and develops programs that provide social, educational and economic benefits to disadvantaged groups. Great! I called, left the Executive Director a voicemail, and waited. An hour later, she called back! She explained the exciting project her organization is currently managing, and after reviewing my resume, she wants to meet me next Tuesday afternoon.

Thrilled, I called my friend to tell her the details, "They're revitalizing a funeral home in Los Angeles!" I expected, "Cool, that's pretty amazing!" Instead, I heard an explosion of laughter, then detected breathlessness mixed with laughter and envisioned her teary-eyed on the other end. When I knew she could finally hear me through all of the noise she was making, I said, "I meant rehabilitating a funeral home that's been boarded up for 40 years." Her rumble erupted again, and I couldn't quite hear what she was saying because the laughter was choking her. I continued, "Once completed, the bottom floor will be an early education center for 3, 4 and 5-year-olds, and the top floor will be a free or subsidized medical clinic." That subdued her laughter. Then I moved on to relaying other details, "The Executive Director also told me that the funding for the project has been secured from 9 different financing sources. Their budgets are really tight. They work with about 50 part-time independent consultants, who don't get benefits and once a project is over, these consultants move on." Again with the laughter?! C'mon! I managed to piece together her comments in between her gasps for air, "*exhale* It sounds like *hahahaha!* she's setting you up *lololol!* to be a volunteer!!! *inhale* You're not an employee, no benefits, and then you all scatter when the project's done. *giggle, sigh*" Damn! That does sound like a volunteer, doesn't it?

Tomorrow morning before I head to my parents, a recruiter will be calling me at 8am PST. She wants to conduct a more extensive phone interview with me before she presents me to her client, a company in the dental industry that's based near Santa Monica, as a candidate for the Global Product Manager position. My friend had referred me to her, and the first time I talked to this recruiter on the phone, I felt like a piece of meat. I imagined her hunched forward, salivating, rubbing her hands together expectantly and squinting at me with dollar signs in her eyes. Cha-ching! Ewwww, I feel dirty!

I'm not that excited about it. So I talked to another friend about this prospect. She soothed, "You don't have to make decisions about anything yet because you don't have enough information. Besides, you're not even at a point where you have to make a decision." True, true. "I suggest you just talk to this recruiter and continue to advance your options. I say, 'Ladies' choice.'" Ladies' choice? What? "It's like this..." she said, "You're at a dance, some guy approaches you and asks you to dance. You're not that interested. He's not ugly but he's not cute either. So you go ahead and dance with him and have a good time. Then, Brad Pitt walks in and he asks you to dance. Boom! So now you're dancing with Brad Pitt." Huh? I'm not sure I get what you're... Regardless, what I surmised from the story was that it's better to have as many options available to me so it's "Lady's (My) Choice" as to which direction I choose to go vs. just having to pick from the (n)one-and-only option glaring at me.

Sleepy now. Gotta get to bed so I'm rested and up early for my interview. The last piece of sound advice for the evening from a different friend, "Make sure that you don't have morning voice before your interview. Clear your throat, talk to yourself in the mirror, and sing in the shower." Got it, get rid of the rasp.

BTW, when I'm at my parent's house, I'll take a picture of the Christmas plate I made when I was 8 years old and post it to this blog entry. I guarantee...it's a treasure. Oh, and I'm also going to look for my Thriller album.


CLG

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dedication

I was too young to remember, and my mom isn't home right now to verify the true story. Besides, my mom has a penchant for embellishing stories and filling in the blanks with outlandish exaggeration, though she's an extraordinary storyteller. I'm not sure I trust her memory either. But the bits and pieces I remember and that I've gathered over the years look something like this:

I was born in the Philippines in October 1973, and my parents left the country 6 months later to immigrate to the US, hoping to achieve "The American Dream." I stayed behind with my grandparents until my mom and dad came back to the Philippines sometime in 1975 or 1976 to pick me up and bring me to our new home and life in the States; I believe I was 2-1/2 years old. I only spoke Tagalog, and I'd like to think I was a precocious child who could speak in full, coherent sentences at that time.

The Jackson 5 World Tour landed in the Philippines sometime between March 1973 and February 1975. I didn't go to the concert, but I'm positive I watched a lot of The Jackson 5 performances on TV. As a baby, The Jackson 5 was probably my first exposure to popular mainstream music and my favorite music group. I know this because when my parents strolled down the streets with me in my new hometown Norwalk, CT, I would say in Tagalog, "Nanay, tatay, may mga Jackson 5." Apparently, each and every time a Black boy or man crossed my line of vision, I would exclaim, "Mom, dad, there's The Jackson 5!" My parents chuckled at the precious comments but were secretly relieved and thankful that I couldn't speak English yet.

In 1982, I was 9 years old living in Plano, TX. I don't how I obtained Michael Jackson's Thriller album because I only have the silhouette of a memory, the details of which are very blurry. I'm not sure if I bought it with my own money or if my parents bought it for me. Nonetheless, what I do clearly recall is the 12-3/8" x 12-3/8" square cardboard album cover where MJ is casually laying in his white jacket, leaning on his elbow and staring straight at me. I also remember gingerly pulling out the white, thin paper square sheath that enclosed and protected the 12" LP record, which spun endlessly for about 5 years. On my stomach, body splayed on the orange shag carpet in front of the stereo, album cover unfolded, I read, memorized and sang the lyrics of my very first and very own album. I relished the sweet triumph of finally nailing "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa, ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa," the incoherent, staccato lyrics at the end of the song "Wanna Be Starting Something." Over 25 years later, I still know the lyrics for each and every song on Thriller.


The advent of MTV helped clinch MJ's spot in my heart. I didn't have cable growing up, but the lucky and/or rich kids on my street had it. Good thing they were my friends. Whenever I came over, my eyes rarely blinked as I kept watch, waiting, hoping, praying that a Michael Jackson video would come on. I loved MJ's fluid dance moves in Billie Jean and Beat It, and the costumes and pageantry of Thriller mesmerized me. I wondered what he could possibly do next?

MJ's Bad album released in 1987, and I bought it on tape. I thought I was so cool because I had it on tape which was compact, and the technology much more advanced than records. I loved this album too, but I entered the world of junior high and adolesence, so there wasn't as much room and attention for MJ in my life as before. I was more consumed with severe mood swings, crushes, silly arguments with friends, scary movies and slumber parties.

June 25, 2009, 3:27p PST, I received a text message from a friend, "Michael Jackson has died." In disbelief and denial, I stopped in mid e-mail (I was sending out a resume), and typed "Michael Jackson" in the Google search box. Confirmed. He's gone. LA Times said so. With great sadness, I popped open my iTunes, found all of my MJ songs, pushed play and continued working.

Since MJ's death, I chose not to watch any news about him, except the tidbits I saw and heard while flipping through the channels. Nor did I follow the stories of Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden or Billy Mays' deaths. I figured the media would be crazed and hysterical. And I wanted to vacuum-seal my own thoughts and feelings for MJ and preserve what the man meant to me without others intruding and telling me what to think of him.

Today, I watched most of MJ's Memorial Service; I missed the first hour and a half of it, but I'll catch it on YouTube. I want to hear the poem that my favorite author Maya Angelou wrote for him that Queen Latifah read. I know it'll make me cry. And I've already cried...a lot...buckets. Sad tears, happy tears, funny tears, it's-a-shame tears, I'll-miss-you tears, I-hope-you're-in-heaven tears, I-feel-the-pain-of-your-family tears, you-must-have-had-a-really-painful-life tears, you-were-a-little-weird-but-I-still-love-you tears. All kinds of tears.

In closing of the memorial service, MJ's friends and family sang "Heal the World." I had forgotten that he had written and created this song, as well as all of his humanitarian work and charitable projects. The lyrics reminded me of his good intentions and the polestars of generosity, sensitivity and love for others that defined his music and work.

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

To Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, I miss and love you! And because I do care enough for the living, I will do my part to heal the world and make it a better place.

CLG

P.S. I'll be going over to my parents house to look for the Thriller album that's stored in the closet of an upstairs bedroom. I swear, little brother, if you took my album and sold it like you sold my 1985 Nintendo Entertainment System and video games on ebay, I will hurt you!